Making the Case for Fatherhood - Part Two: Experience

We're in the midst of a series addressing the question: why should anyone care about fathers or fatherhood? In part one, we delved into scientific findings, overwhelmingly asserting that fathers are crucial for the development of healthy children. In part two, we'll consider the personal experience of being fathered (or the lack thereof). Part three will explore the experience of being a father and the collective experience of fathers. The goal remains to make a compelling case for the importance of fathers.

Being Fathered

It's an unfortunate circumstance that many fathers find themselves in the position of fatherhood, having been abandoned, abused, and/or subjected to a father with a serious addiction. This is where I found myself. It's interesting to note the consciousness of these experiences in my own life. The anger, addiction, and self-hate I face, whether a result of my childhood or personal lack of character, lead me to believe there are valuable lessons to learn. They are framed in the warning tale of a bad decision vs. an example of how one ought to live. Our lives will be judged in one of these two categories: an example or a warning.

As noted above, my dad and two step-dads fell into the warning categories. So what can we learn from them? The truth is, being a father is as much about what we don't do as it is about what we do. Here's what I mean - avoid abandoning, abusing, or engaging in addictions that lead to neglecting your children. This was a huge relief to me as a father. I had a clear path and very good (bad) examples of what not to do. I still struggle with addictions, anger, patience, and energy. But the point is, I'm struggling with them instead of letting them rule my life and wreck my family. Because of the experiences I had as a child, I know the stakes and leverage that knowledge to stay in the fight for my family.

Those who had fathers in the example category are not off the hook as I once thought. It's not as simple as doing what dad did and everything will work out. That's one of the great difficulties of being a man, husband, and father. Each must walk their path. That's not to say there are no universal truths in these areas, but to point out that the application of those truths always depends on your circumstances. The best advice I have is to identify the principle behind what your father did well and see how you can apply it to your life.

For example, a very wise elder in my local church gave me the greatest advice about fatherhood: love their mother. He was a four-generation elder, meaning his great, great, great grandfather was an elder. He pointed out that each man stayed married to the same woman, and they did so by sacrificially loving their wives. This created stable homes where children were able to thrive. Hence the principle - love their mother.

Why does any of this matter to the question of the value of fatherhood? The great truth that good fathers are needed for healthy families and societies is shared by those who take the time to reflect on their experience of being fathered. It proves the impact of fathers either as an example or a warning. It gives me the strength to reject the modern lie that fathers are outdated because I have personally experienced the pain of that lie. I hope it does the same for you.

Save a Dad, save the world.