How Fathers Can Lead Their Families - Part 3: Draw Boundaries

In this series, we will examine practical ways fathers can lead their families. This will include ideas and philosophies of leadership itself but will stay focused on the context of the family and its critical role. If you have ever asked yourself where all the good leaders have gone, the answer, in part, is that the family unit has stopped creating them. You can change that.

Introduction

When I speak of boundaries in the context of fatherhood and family, I mean the standard of behaviors expected from others when dealing with you, your wife, and your children. This is an area I have personally struggled with, especially when I was younger. I had little issue with drawing hard lines with strangers, acquaintances, distant friends, or relatives. I failed at keeping the line with family and close friends. As it turned out, this was the group I had to do the most work in keeping my family safe.

I was a foster parent and adopted all of my children out of foster care. Two of those children were related, meaning my family had very strong opinions about my wife and me. Further, both my wife and I came from broken homes where normal decency and respect were only given to guests to keep up appearances. In short, you treated strangers like they were your closest friends and family like a used tool.

I share this with you because the information below is based on my personal struggle in this area. I hope to save the reader some pain by avoiding the mistakes I made. To accomplish this, the article will cover the importance of boundaries, setting boundaries, and holding to them.

Why Boundaries?

Setting limits on how others conduct themselves around your family positions you as the gatekeeper of healthy relationships for your children. It builds trust, relieves stress, provides safety, and is key to leadership of the family.

There are many reasons to set boundaries. Here are a few: physical safety, mental health, promoting healthy relationships, improving existing friendships, and so on. These may not be easy to see at first. For example, physical safety could include a grandparent allowing your children to stay up all night when they sleep over. Mental health could include cutting out a sport your children are involved in to reduce stress by freeing up the family schedule.

And, of course, establishing and enforcing boundaries is key to leading your family. Let's look at how to get started.

How to Establish Boundaries

Work with your wife to decide where to start. I have little doubt you and your wife can think of areas and relationships that need better boundaries. Start with an easy win if available and stick to the plan you have agreed on. More on that later.

Use compassionate firmness to communicate the new boundaries. If you can and are willing, provide your reasoning. Be careful not to get sucked into an argument. The person most likely will disagree with your position. That’s okay—the answer is still no. You and your wife have agreed on this, and that is what matters. The goal is to offer a soft no, but still be clear about the boundary.

Set up a time that works for both groups to have this conversation. It can be in person, over the phone, or online, as long as it works for everyone. I would recommend the phone if you think there is a safety concern with doing it in person. Also, a neutral place like a restaurant works best for in-person meetings. This allows either party to leave without feeling trapped. Once you have had the conversation, it is time to enforce the new boundary.

Enforcing Boundaries

Say no, then say no again, and when tested, just say no. Not to overdo the point, but no is your best friend when starting out on keeping drawn boundaries. You need to hold on until the boundary becomes the new normal. I provide an example below.

My wife and I decided that there were family members who could no longer keep our kids for sleepovers. There were two households we made this rule for—one was on my side of the family and the other on my wife’s. It was hard at first, and there were very difficult conversations. However, within six months, it became the norm. This boundary is still tested years later, but it is easier and easier to hold to it.

If we had caved in during the first six months, we would have had to start over or give up on the boundary. This is not to say we have done this perfectly—we have made a lot of mistakes—and it may be the case that you do need to start over or evaluate the original boundary to make modifications. People and circumstances change, so adjustments are necessary. What has helped us navigate these challenges is to hold to a boundary for a set amount of time (normally six months). This allows the time needed to adjust and make changes.

The most important thing to remember is that you and your wife are a team. Help each other stick to the plan. It may feel like it’s us vs. the world, and it is in part, but time will make it easier. In some cases, you will see relationships improve. What will change is the respect your wife and children will have for you.

Conclusion

Lead your family by understanding the importance of boundaries, setting them, and enforcing them. As a result, your family will respect and trust you more, helping you become a more effective leader. Not to mention the improved relationships and safety for your family.

I hope you enjoyed this content and will put it into practice. Please consider subscribing to the blog and following Dad for Dads on X. Both links can be found at Dadfordads.com.

Save a dad, save the world.