What is the sacrifice necessary for fatherhood? Part three - habits for self sacrifice.

This is a difficult article to write as it is what I struggle with personally. There will most likely never come a time when I will not struggle with the ideas presented below. I find hope in not quitting and the knowledge that the pursuit of fatherhood is worthwhile.

Unfortunately, there is no five step plan for success. Or any way to write out what you specifically need to do to become a the best father. There are frameworks that can help one think through, plan and execute the needed steps to become a better dad. With that in mind, our focus will be this: Fatherhood is not about you, but requires you to be the best version of yourself as possible.  This includes all areas of yourself: spiritual, mental, physical and financial.

There are of course other ways to orient the goal of being the best father possible. However, the focus above is advantageous because it is holistic and virtue based. It is holistic because it is the same framework that can be used to be a better man and to be a good husband. It also applies to leadership at all levels and is required for deep friendship. It is this framework that makes great pastors, political leaders, teachers and managers. Which are all roles that a father will plan. Not to mention it requires one to focus on all areas of one’s life. It can be this far reaching because it is virtue based.

What is the “virtue” that can do so much? Radical self sacrifice and service. It is the key to success when people are your end. This idea has been traditionally summed up by one word - Love. You can hopefully understand why I do not use the word without this context given our current culture. I am making the case that loving your family requires you to express that love through self sacrificing action that makes you the best man, husband and father possible. In fact, you can make a very compelling case that this is what is the meaning of masculinity - love shown through self sacrificing action in the context of strength, courage and wisdom. This is known as virtue based manhood or masculinity. It is modeled perfectly in the person of Jesus Christ as recorded in the bible. May we all strive to be like Him.

Love is the habit needed, what are the day to day actions needed to achieve this for fathers? It requires planning, writing, executing and reviewing. The first step is to think through what you need to do to improve yourself.  These are the things you do not want to do but know they are necessary. Next, write it out. Here is a good rule to live by, always think on paper. The best advice I received is from Dr. Jordan Peterson, write out your perfect day. What would your morning routine be? What would you accomplish? Push this out to weekly, monthly and yearly. Be as specific as possible.

Here is the most important part - DO IT. Work the plan. This is where most people fall short. I am starting to be convinced that the secret to happiness, wellbeing, financial success, relationships, etc., is execution. Just by doing you will put yourself above the rest. And it is by acting you will learn what works and how to improve. No doubt you have heard successful people have failed more than they succeed. The only way this is possible is because they acted. Do the same.

Finally, review your work. Take credit for both your failures and victories. Note what worked and revise what did not. Forgive yourself for your failures. We all have them. You can include your wife. Not only will she see what you may have missed, but she will also be a huge encouragement to continue. This is hard to admit, but the first time I wrote out my perfect day and showed it to my wife, she pointed out I had no time for the family. 

One final thought, many of the things that hold us back are a result of what we are doing. In other words, quitting bad habits can be just as effective as creating new ones. For example, becoming free of porn, drugs or alcohol is a matter of not doing. Stopping these things free us to do what we ought and are very effective in changing us for the better.

This completes the three past series on “What is the sacrifice necessary for fatherhood?”.  If you liked this article, please consider subscribing to our newsletter to stay up to date on current posts. You can also follow us on youtube at DadforDads and on twitter @dadfordads77.

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