How Fathers Can Lead Their Families - Part 1: The Family Meeting
In this series, we will examine practical ways fathers can lead their families. This will include ideas and philosophies of leadership itself but will stay focused on the context of the family and its critical role. If you have ever asked yourself where all the good leaders have gone, the answer in part is that the family unit has stopped creating them. You can change that.
The Family Meeting
I think planning and leading a family meeting is the best place to start in leading your family. It will lay the foundation for future leadership opportunities and build your family up. It is a place where you can share your values, plan important family events, and answer questions. There are many ways to organize a family meeting. In this article, I will share three common features of a family meeting: 1) Faith and value sharing (the sayings); 2) Dad’s questions; and 3) open discussion. We will end with some tips and tricks. My hope is you will take this and make it your own for your family.
Faith and Value Sharing
We call these the “sayings” in my household. We are Christians, so they are focused on our faith and Biblical values. I wrote them out and they are at the end of the article. Please feel free to use them with your family.
Whether or not you use religion or other philosophical ideas, this is your opportunity to impart your values. This is the practical work of creating and forging a dynasty and legacy. The goal is to have your great, great-grandchildren know and live these values.
Your greatest asset in creating these is your wife. Include her in this process and remain in agreement. This does not need to be long; ours takes about 5 minutes. It may need to be shorter if you have young children. Revisit this and update as your kids grow.
Dad’s Questions
After the sayings, I ask a series of questions to inspire conversation and thought. The questions are as follows:
What do we need to work on?
What are we doing well?
What is upcoming this week?
Plan on ten minutes for each question. Sometimes there will be more time spent on a given question and less on another depending on what's happening that week.
The idea is to encourage reflection and planning, two soft skills I have found lacking in most adults in my professional life. They are also practical and fit a large range of ages. There are many other questions you could ask or change the wording of the ones above. Experiment and find out what works for your family.
Open Discussion
Give everyone a chance to speak about issues or thoughts. You can also get creative and cover topics. I did a four-part topic on cultural myths we are told by popular entertainment. When the kids were younger, I held dad court. This was used to settle petty fights between siblings. They would say, "You'll have to take them to dad court!" Mostly, the issues were forgotten by the time we had our family meeting. I made sure we still had court and yes, it was silly but fun.
This can be whatever you want or need it to be. It is easy to make this short or long and cater to your kids' age group. My older children have asked to present an idea or proposal during this time. This is great as it gives them public speaking and presenting experience. Make it yours and have fun.
Tips and Tricks
My biggest tip is to plan this out with your wife and get her on board. After that, start meeting even if you do not have everything planned out. Two tips I picked up from the book Atomic Habits are "standardize before you optimize." This means start the habit now and once it's in place, work out the fine details. The other tip is "never miss two in a row." For a family meeting, never miss two weeks in a row.
Lastly, make it fun. We eat dinner outside or at a restaurant and have our family meeting in those locations. You can prepare a special treat to enjoy after the meeting or award silly prizes for the best question or for not interrupting.
Lastly, expect some resistance from yourself and your family. You will be tested to see if you are serious about this “new thing Dad is trying.” Don’t ask me how I know. It will turn around with time, and your family will start holding you accountable for leading the meetings. They will look forward to them.
The Sayings - Values and Beliefs
Opening: Modified Christian Creed - we say this together.
God is Trinity; He is triune. He is one power, essence, authority, and will. He is manifested in three persons: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.
God the Father spoke everything into existence from nothing, and we call that ex nihilo, ex nihilo.
God the Son, who is Jesus Christ, was born of the virgin Mary. He lived, taught, and was crucified under Pontius Pilate. On the third day, He arose again. And whoever believes with their heart and confesses with their mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord shall be saved. Amen.
And God the Holy Spirit. He dwells within us, He is our counselor, our guide, and helps us to pray and do the right thing. Amen.
Family Vision and Purpose
What is the meaning and purpose of life? Everyone answers - To know God and make Him known, to love God and love others, to serve God and serve others.
What does the order matter? Everyone answers - Because you will never serve a God you don’t love and you will never love a God you don’t know.
Questions of the Faith
I ask each one of my children one of these questions. I rotate them each meeting so everyone can learn the answer. Yes, I have four children.
Why should everyone be a Christian? Because it is true.
What do we mean when we say something is true? That it corresponds to reality.
How does one become a Christian? By believing in your heart and confessing with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord.
What does it mean to be a Christian? It means to be a follower of Jesus Christ in belief, thought, word, and deed.
Family Virtues
I ask each child to name a family virtue. We have four: Wisdom, Faith, Strength, and Love.
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