What is the sacrifice necessary for fatherhood? Part one - The Self.
One must sacrifice himself to achieve fatherhood. In very important ways, it is the same sacrifice needed for manhood and husbandry. There is also a paradox involved with this idea. To sacrifice yourself, you must focus on yourself. Paul Washer, a famous minister and pastor, states it this way “ you have to start with yourself to die to yourself”. To bring this into focus, a few things need to be clarified. First, what do we mean by self, in the context of fatherhood? Second, the difference between selfless improvement and selfish desires. Lastly, what habits can one use to achieve the self sacrifice needed for fatherhood.
The self is you. It is your desires, wants, dreams, will, vices and morals. It is the immaterial ego that represents the “I”. In a very real sense, it is a person you remember, are, and wish to be. The self can only be accessed by the person who owns it. This is why no one can tell you “who you are or what you think.” They can provide feedback and observations, but only its owner can possess that knowledge.
Since its owner is the only one with access, this may explain why the only cultural advice one gets is “just be yourself”. A better way to think about this would be to advise people not to be fake for selfish gain. Avoid hypocrisy, lying, gossip and deceit as they never end where you expect them to. This is different from trying something new, or learning a new hobby, hanging out with new people, etc. There is some experimenting and even pretending involved in trying new things. The difference is in one’s honesty and intention.
How do we discover who we are given the limit of self access? Three methods present themselves, experience, idealization and introspection. Experience can come in many different forms and different ways depending on what stage of life we are in. As children, we learn about ourselves through play and imitation. Children playing house is a good example. As we age, time and opportunities provide experience. Another way of gaining experience is through the lens of other people's lives. This primarily comes in the form of books and similar media. Much better to learn about the terrible effects of drugs, crime, or physical abuse through reading then from experiencing them.
Idealization is the moral/good person we inspire to be. This can come from religious leaders like Jesus, a person from history or a set of values. It will most likely be some kind of combination. The best advice I have received is to wright out a personal vision statement. Here is mine: “ To be Christ like in self sacrificing love, wisdom and strength”. This point is to have something to aim for that you can measure yourself against. To be clear, there are not many days (if any at all) I meet my vision statement. But I am closer than I was yesterday.
This is very helpful for those who are struggling with self worth and self hate. In the words of Dr. Jordan Peterson, “It is true you may be a mess today, but your potential is endless”. Because of this, you are worthwhile and valuable. Invest in yourself and see what happens. Even if you are not struggling with this issue, your children or wife may be. Help them see their worth and believe they can improve.
Lastly, there is the practice of Introspection. This is the part I missed and believe the tool most men ignore. We must evaluate ourselves to know what good a given experience has provided and how it helps us know who we are, who we want to be. This includes thinking, meditation and journaling. This does not need to be done daily, that can help for sure. But it should be done with some regularity.
The advice I give my children is this: It is ok not to know who you are when you are young. However, it is very important to know who you are not and what you are not about. You are not a liar, thief, aditict, etc. So avoid the experiences that involve those things and instead focus on the opportunities that are morally sound. Do your best to choose faith, honesty, hard work, education, friendship, strength and a sound mind. You will make mistakes. Instead of beating yourself up over them, use your energy to make it part of the learning process.
So how does this fit into fatherhood and what is self sacrifice? It is time and energy focused on a father’s need to know who they are and who they want to be to help their children to do the same. The self sacrifice is dying to your current self to become the person you want/need to be. It is doing what you ought to do instead of what you want to do. Easy to say, hard to do. This will be discussed more in part two.
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